Comparison Tests
Cheap speed is like free beer or two bonus Presidents' Days that land on successive Fridays. It's always, always good. The only way it could be better is if you combined the beer part with, say, King Mswati III's parade of bare-breasted maidens, held in the King's honor annually in Swaziland, where we have never tested even one automobile. But the female members of our production team, one voting in this comparo, reminded us that rampant immaturity in grown men is a trait they do not often seek, so we let it slide, opting instead to spend one hour per night devoted exclusively to poop jokes.
This feels like maybe the 23rd installment in our series of cheap-speed comparos, but that's okay, because we've made quite a prosperous little career out of repeating ourselves. For this test, we demanded that each car produce 200-or-more horsepower with a base price not to exceed $25,000. Cheap speed isn't so cheap these days. We eventually came up with six qualified combatants, which immediately dwindled to five when Volkswagen couldn't supply a Jetta GLI.
Unfortunately, that's when the squabbling broke out, fueled mostly by assistant art director Dan Winter, who provoked us into lengthy Other Car negotiations throughout what he calls "Milwaukee Beer Night," a weekly ritual that Wisconsin native Winter pursues much as Catholics pursue high-stakes bingo. Ever generous, he trotted out his personal premium stock -- Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Blatz in cans -- and our first order of business wasn't making a list of potential comparo cars but making a list of really cranky chicks who unfairly dumped us in high school. Copy editor Cora Weber was no help in this matter, concentrating instead on her Blatz and often asking what time it was.
That's why we got around to talking about cars on some other day, probably at noon or 2 o'clock. First, we summarily excluded any Ford Focus, Hyundai Tiburon, or Mini Cooper on account of not making enough power. The latest Mitsubishi Eclipse GT came close to making the cut, but the only staffer who'd driven the thing told us it was "more like a softly suspended tourer than a racer" and would thus be humiliated. Maybe. But notice that the gentleman didn't want his name to appear here.
"What about a V-6 Mustang?" blurted Winter, when no one had asked the art department's opinion on anything. "Twenty grand, 210 horses," he pointed out. We cursed and laughed, reminding Dan that a heavy rear-drive muscle car was totally at odds with the character of this group. Later, a civilian in Ohio asked, "So where's your V-6 Mustang?" and we wished we'd included one.
And then someone, possibly Weber, asked, "What about an Audi A3? Less than $500 beyond the price cap and 197 horsepower, which is close enough." We scoffed and threw pizza crusts, assuring her that the A3 couldn't possibly keep up. Later, when we looked up its test results, we realized we were wrong, but we're men and she's just a girl, so we didn't say anything, and the Audi wasn't invited. Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, which usually entails some Schlitz in a paper cup. Then Winter mentioned that a Jeep Wrangler might almost qualify, so we had to hurt him.
And that's how we wound up with one coupe (the Chevy Cobalt SS Supercharged), one hatchback (the Acura RSX Type-S), one pseudo-coupe with rear half-size suicide doors (the Saturn Ion Red Line), one four-wheel-drive sedan (the Subaru Impreza WRX), and one front-wheel-drive sedan (the Dodge SRT4 ACR). We're not sure if this sets a record for the most tacked-on initials in comparo history, but it might.
If you're still reading at this point, direct your letters of outrage to managing editor Steve Spence. The 18th letter to arrive will earn its author a pair of embarrassingly red Ferrari sneakers, size unknown, or $35,000 in cash, whichever Spence feels like mailing that day.
Some bathrobes may have been involved in this comparo. "It was real hot outside," explained Winter. "Like a steam bath." It was Winter's idea that we thus dress appropriately. Which meant we could claim expensive monogrammed terry-cloth robes on C/D's expense account. Winter was not even drinking Blatz when he made this suggestion. Schlitz, possibly.
Plus: Three cost-free things that will improve your autocross performance
