Short Take Road Test
The 2011 model year is the last one for the G55 AMG, a vehicle that, until now, we had never tested. (Lest you worry over the source of your next streetable military vehicle, know that the G550 lives on for 2012.) This tuned version of a luxury-sedan-impersonating take on a late-’70s workhorse also marks the end of the line for AMG’s supercharged 5.4-liter V-8. Consider this test something of an automotive exit interview.
What is your primary reason for leaving?
I got fired, remember? Something about my engine being ancient, and too many anger-management violations. I’d sue for age discrimination, but my body stampings are older than the museum. Seems counterproductive.
What was most satisfying about your job?
Scaring the hell out of people. And confusing them. No one has quite figured out the purpose of a tall luxury SUV with 500 hp and a bunch of off-road ability.
What was least satisfying about your job?
I got a lot of people asking my owners first what I cost, and then why I cost so much. That hurt. But I’ve wrestled with feelings of inadequacy for a long time. I look at the S-class, with its dynamic seats, power trunklid, soft-close doors, gadgets everywhere you look. My window frames don’t even have enough room for pinch sensors. I say we should have just added the auto-up windows, stuck another warning label somewhere, and told the lawyers to shove it.
I don’t like it when people question me. What were we talking about again?
Did your job duties turn out as you expected?
Not even close. I started out as a military vehicle but got reassigned to on-road detail. That’s not at all what I signed on for, but I’m not complaining or anything. I liked the leather seats and the COMAND thingy—I have an iPod like everyone else.
This engine, too, was a bit unexpected. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great—sounds like I’m gargling with gravel. It’s just that I have a three-locker four-wheel-drive system with solid axles. Who needs that kind of off-road capability and then Pirelli Scorpion Zero tires? It made me feel…fat. And it’s like I’m not sure who I am sometimes, you know? Sorry, I should save this for my therapist. Next question.
Do you have any suggestions that might help Mercedes choose your replacement?
More power. Lots of it. I hear that 6.2-liter V-8—sorry, the “63” motor—is being phased out of, like, everything. That one would really fit with the mobile Classics Center theme Mercedes seems to be developing for the G-class lineup. And keep the side exhausts.
Did you receive sufficient feedback about your performance?
Zero to 60 mph in 5.3 seconds. I’d say that’s more than sufficient. I can hit a top speed of 130 mph. That’s what the engineers tell me, anyway. My hood starts shaking itself loose around 120, so I back off there. Aerodynamics weren’t a high priority back in 1979 when I was born.
There is the matter of my skidpad numbers. With stability control interfering, I’ve hit a best of 0.65 g. With it off, well, let’s not talk about it. No one seemed to expect much of me there, but we all sort of ignored the problem. Oh, and recirculating-ball steering doesn’t offer much in the way of feedback. Ever.
Did you receive enough training to do your job effectively?
Uh, I’d say yes. I’m especially proud of my transmission calibration. Breathe off the throttle at 60 mph, and I downshift to fourth gear. Find another car that’ll do that. Heck, find another high-powered shipping container that still uses a five-speed automatic. (The Grand Cherokee SRT8 doesn’t count—he copied my gearbox, and his military lineage isn’t quite as…direct.)
Were you satisfied with this company’s merit review process?
All things considered, sure. But I got that supercharger back in 2005, and a title change would have been nice to go along with it. I mean, the 55 is meaningless, so why not go up to, like, 70? These days, they slap a couple of turbos on a 5.5-liter V-8, and all of a sudden it’s a 63 car.
Were you happy with your pay, benefits, and other incentives?
I think I was a deal at $125,000 all-in. No extra-cost options, just choose the paint color (may I suggest black?) and a Designo leather combo. And did you say incentives? On a G-wagen? Don’t make me rev.
What could your immediate supervisor do to improve his or her management style?
Use the pedals more. You can trust those brakes—a 183-foot stop from 70 ain’t bad, you know. And I’ve seen spirited driving yield fuel economy in the single digits.
Did this company help you to fulfill your career goals?
I’m a 500-hp leather-lined SUV. My doors make a ka-chunk sound like a bank vault’s. The vents in the side of my hood are functional. The pope rode in me. I think it’s safe to say I’ve fulfilled everyone’s career goals.
How would you improve the workplace environment?
More trips to the ’Ring. I make an excellent engineering support vehicle. And the soda machine keeps eating my money. I’d have that fixed. Not that I have a usable cup holder, but still.
Did anyone in this company discriminate against you, harass you, or create hostile working conditions?
I don’t know if this counts, but some guy in a Passat gave me the finger. Twice. This was after he pulled out in front of me and I had to slow down to below the speed limit. Driving at or below the speed limit makes me angry. A lot of things make me angry.
Would you consider working for this company again in the future?
You line up a bigger, better engine for me, and I’m back in a year. But I want a new title.
